A Shrine to Myself.

It took me a long time to finally find the courage to write a personal blog. Having been criticized negatively by the closest members of my family to many close friends, and having dealt with much demonization, rejection, harassment and isolation growing up as a transgender person, I have grown to hide much of my true feelings. From my despair to some of my most ecstatic moments, and large storms of fears, anxieties, paranoia and insecurities, I have often held it all inside and created a world of isolation. Sometimes much of my feelings, which have left me paralyzed have become insurmountable, and difficult to overcome which sometimes makes every day interactions difficult.

In a male dominated capitalism where a person's worth is judged by how much they make there is little sentiment for the feelings and emotions of marginalized people. For people who express any sort of femininity, their emotions and feelings are often written off as neurosis, bitchiness or the product of some hormonal malfunction. It can be difficult to find the best ways to express feelings such as anger, despair, desolation, and rage, especially when you are encouraged to always be quiet, to "let go and let god", "just deal", "get over it", "forgive and forget", etc.

 For those who truly struggle and cannot quite make it, there's often little to no safety net when they fall. I have lost friends in that struggle, whether it be by their own hands, addictions to cope with pain and restlessness, or to mental illness. It puts me in a very vulnerable place to even admit that openly, that I struggle, as I have even convinced myself that I am far too strong to ever succumb to "weakness" as I have been taught and also to overcompensate for the wounds I carry on the inside. When I find myself the most happy I am often afraid to share it because I know all too well what it's like to quickly lose something, or someone that I hold dear. Much of my adult life can be characterized by struggle, both with people and forces on the outside, to the forces on the inside that have resulted from seeds of hatred planted by a Judeo-Christian patriarchal homophobic and transphobic society that has left me with inner wounds and scars that have yet to heal. Sometimes I wonder with astonishment that I have made it thus far, and continue to work on personal evolution, and that I continue to choose to live as who I am and who I WANT to be, because even in the case that everything about "who I am" is a choice, I would still want people in my life to respect that. Through my struggle I have battled with many non-constructive methods of coping, from self-harm and drugs to spiritual pipe dreams, obsessions and addictions to religion, spirituality and Gods trying to escape pain, anger and frustration built up over the years.

In my adult years I have finally come to hold self-love and self-determination as my highest values, to no longer live as a servant to the beliefs, morals and standards of my childhood or mainstream society, or ancient dead gods, but to truly embrace and love myself, my body, my ego, and everything that I consider myself. I have chosen no longer to live in fear of afterlives and after-worlds or the punishment of any God, or spiritual entity but instead to answer to myself and be responsible to the people who truly love me. I have chosen to abandon lofty sanctimonious morals that say I should waste my time and energy trying to love everyone, including those who hurt me and have hurt me in the past, and instead have tried to be more dedicated to the people who have truly been there to support and encourage my personal evolution and growth. Hopefully I can still make room for people who may not be close to me, but need a little love to pick them up when they are down. I know too well what it's like to be alone and isolated as a gender variant, non-heterosexual person and my heart goes out to those who have been cast out by the white, christian, straight or mainstream gay majority for who they are, how they look, the color of their skin, who they love and who they fuck, who they want to be, and what they believe.

This is why I have entitled my blog "Gianna Love Lives" because despite all of the turmoil and challenges I have had I am still alive, and stronger than ever and working hard to embrace all of life, even the deepest of suffering. I am living and growing, and doing my best to stay alive in a society that would just as soon see me brutalized, or dead, a society where almost all trans people have at least attempted suicide, and almost half of them have been successful. A society where a person who lives as the gender they were assigned at birth has the privilege of a 1 in 18,000 chance of being murdered and a trans person has a 1 in 18 chance. However, despite all of the efforts that many have made to bring me down and kill my "spirit", I have gotten back up and evolved further.

Much myth, tales, and belief has been created and written about the meaning of life, but the most ecstatic thing I have found is that it can have any meaning we choose for it, at any given moment, that it can change and flow like a beautiful sea of multiple colors, and that most of all, as a close and dear friend once reminded me, it does not need meaning, only that we live it!

After years of searching for answers, I have found that everything I have needed is right here with me, it's in my body and it's all around. That what I was looking for was myself, and that I have the ability to grow, to change, and to create meaning for myself and my life.

In this blog I hope to express myself boldly, to let it be a shrine to myself and what I feel, what I like, what I love, what I hate, my transformations, my joys and everything else I so choose, and that the people I love, and others who have had the same or similar struggles and experiences can find some solace in knowing they aren't alone.

-Gianna Love